Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most difficult and complex experiences anyone can endure. The pain, manipulation, and control involved create an emotional and psychological prison, making escape seem almost impossible.
Many people on the outside might question why someone doesn’t “just leave,” but the reality is far more complicated. Lets look at the many layers that make it so hard to leave an abusive relationship, and maybe shed some light on the barriers and challenges survivors face on their road to freedom.
1. Psychological Manipulation and Control
One of the most powerful weapons abusers use is psychological control. This often starts subtly, with tactics like gaslighting, where the abuser makes the victim doubt their perceptions and memories. Over time, the victim begins to question their sense of reality, leading to a loss of self-confidence.
Abusers often cycle between affection and cruelty, creating a confusing emotional dynamic known as "trauma bonding." In these situations, the victim becomes emotionally attached to their abuser, despite the harm they endure. The abuser may occasionally show warmth or affection, reinforcing the hope that the relationship can improve, only to revert to abusive behaviour. This cycle makes it difficult for victims to sever emotional ties. They desperately cling to the belief that things can, and will, get better. Fortunately, Hypnotherapy can be a powerful tool to help break those trauma bonds and set a person free.
2. Fear and Threats
Fear is one of the most paralyzing emotions for all creatures on earth. It is also one of the tools in the abuser’s toolbox. Many abusers use threats to control their partners, instilling fear about what might happen if they attempt to leave. These threats can be physical, but they are often psychological or emotional. The abuser may threaten to harm the victim, their children, pets, or even themselves.
In many cases, abusers threaten to destroy the victim's reputation or tell damaging lies to their friends, family, or co-workers. The fear of public humiliation and the possible backlash can keep victims trapped.
Therapy can help with facing those fears and finding an inner strength. In more extreme situations however, the victim may live in constant terror of lethal violence, in which case, help is better sought from the police. Studies have shown that leaving an abusive partner is one of the most dangerous times for a victim, as the abuser may escalate their violence in an attempt to regain control.
3. Isolation
Another key tactic in abusive relationships is isolation. Abusers often cut their partners off from friends, family, and support networks. Over time, victims become increasingly isolated, making them more dependent on the abuser for emotional, financial, and even practical needs.
Without access to a support system, victims may feel like they have no one to turn to. Friends and family may not understand the full extent of the abuse or may have been pushed away. The abuser may manipulate the situation by telling the victim that no one cares about them, no one else would want them, or that no one will believe them if they reach out for help. This isolation deepens the victim’s sense of entrapment, making it seem as though leaving is an insurmountable task.
4. Financial Dependency
Many victims of abuse are financially dependent on their abusers. The abuser may control all the household finances, deny the victim access to money, or prevent them from working. This form of control creates a significant barrier, as victims may not have the means to support themselves if they leave.
Without financial resources, the fear of homelessness, hunger, or an inability to provide for their children becomes a powerful deterrent. For some, the abuser may have intentionally sabotaged their job or career prospects, making it even harder to find work or rebuild financial independence. The financial burden of starting over—finding housing, securing childcare, or even obtaining legal representation—can feel like an overwhelming challenge, especially when leaving suddenly.
5. Shame and Self-Blame
Abusers often make their victims feel like the abuse is their fault. Victims are told that they are to blame for their partner’s anger or violence, creating a deep sense of shame. Over time, victims may internalize this narrative and believe that they deserve the mistreatment. Shame is one of the most toxic emotions for a person to carry.
Leaving, in this context, can feel like admitting failure. Victims may worry that others will judge them for staying in the relationship for so long, or for being "weak." This shame can be compounded by societal pressures, cultural expectations, or religious beliefs that discourage leaving a marriage or long-term relationship. Victims may also feel embarrassed that they didn’t leave sooner or that they didn’t see the warning signs before the abuse began.
6. Hope for Change
Many victims stay in abusive relationships because they believe their abuser will change. Abusers often promise to reform and go through a period of ‘Love bombing’ after periods of violence or manipulation, leading the victim to hope that things will improve. The cycle of abuse—where violence or manipulation is followed by apologies, gifts, affection, and promises of change—can create a strong emotional attachment.
Victims may remember the "good times" or the person their partner was at the beginning of the relationship, holding out hope that this version of their partner will return. The emotional investment in the relationship, combined with the desire to make it work, can prevent victims from leaving. The victim can often take on the role of ‘Saviour’. They may believe that, with enough love, patience, or intervention, their partner can change.
7. Concern for Children
For victims with children, leaving an abusive relationship becomes even more complicated. They may fear that leaving will negatively impact their children, either by destabilizing their lives or by triggering further abuse from the abuser. Many victims worry that their children will be taken away by the abuser, or that they will be forced to co-parent with someone who is dangerous or manipulative.
In some cases, the abuser may have threatened to take full custody of the children or harm them if the victim tries to leave. The legal process of securing custody and protection for children can be daunting, especially when the abuser uses the court system as a tool for continued control and harassment.
8. Lack of Resources and Support
Even when victims are ready to leave, they may find that resources are limited. Shelters may be full, legal aid may be hard to access, and social services may be underfunded. Many survivors face long waiting lists for counselling or housing support, leaving them in vulnerable situations even after they've made the decision to leave.
Additionally, navigating the legal system can be a complex and intimidating process. Victims may have to file restraining orders, seek custody, and deal with court proceedings, all while managing the emotional and psychological toll of the abuse. Without proper legal and financial support, leaving can feel impossible.
Conclusion: Breaking Free
Leaving an abusive relationship is far more difficult than most people realize. It’s not just a matter of walking out the door; it’s a journey that involves overcoming deep emotional, psychological, and logistical challenges. While the road to freedom is fraught with obstacles, it’s important to remember that leaving is possible, and support is available. Whether it’s through trusted friends, domestic violence hotlines, shelters, or a trauma-informed therapist, there are resources to help survivors break free from the cycle of abuse.
No one should have to face abuse alone, and the decision to leave is an incredibly brave one. By understanding the complexities that make it difficult to leave, we can offer more compassionate support and work towards a world where survivors feel empowered to reclaim their lives
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